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Romance for Sadists
The guide that follows is a listing of 101 ways to having a more perfect sadistic relationship with the lover of your dreams... from a more realistic approach than taken in the original guide, found here. This guide was submitted by an anonymous reader who chose to be identified only as an "insomniac."
1. Watch the sunset together when it's overcast.
2. Beat the crap out of each other, but not really.
3. French kiss their belly button then complain that they aren't kissing
4. Hold them (5 feet in the air) with hands inside the back of their shirt.
5. Whisper humorous things to each other while at church or during some
other "no laughing allowed" event.
6. Cook for each other, start each other's apartments on fire.
7. French kiss in the rain in the middle of a field in Oklahoma while the
tornado siren is going off.
8. Dress each other in ridiculous clothes and act hurt when they don't want
to wear it.
9. Undress each other while shopping at Macy's (but the changing rooms were
10. Kiss every part of their body while wearing metallic purple lipstick.
11. Hold hands and spin around until you're both crawling sideways on the
floor dizzy, then run across the freeway.
12. Sleep together (actually sleep together, not sex) in the back of a
pick-up on it's way to Mexico.
13. Sit and talk in just lamb chop underwear, without a care, by fruit of
14. Buy surprise gifts for each other, remember to poke holes in the box so
it can breathe.
15. Froggys, rodents, or little crawly who knows what's.
16. Find a nice secluded place to lie about your knowledge of the stars, but
make it obvious.
17. Tickle them every chance you get.
18. Wear underwear but convince them you aren't wearing any.
19. Lightly kiss their collarbone and jawbone just below their ear, then
whisper "you smell like skittles."
20. Write bad poetry for each other, use dr. Seuss for inspiration
21. Style their hair with various condiments while they are sleeping.
22. Hugs are the universal medicine if you're a stoner.. so yeah I guess it
23. Say "you smell like skittles" only when you mean it, and make sure they
know you mean it.
24. Tell her she's the only girl you ever want and don't lie, unless that's
not true then I suppose you'll have to lie, now won't you?
25. Spend every second possible together naked.
26. Tell her she never has to do anything she doesn't want to do, but remind
her that the medication probably slurs her judgment, so you'll occasionally
have to make decisions for her.
27. Look into each other's eyes often (staring contest!).
28. Very lightly push up their chin, look into their eyes, tell them they
smell like skittles, and kiss them, missing their lips and say "Oops, sorry,
I'm not used to your face being at that angle."
29. Talk to each other using only your eyes, body language, and pig latin if
30. When in public, only fight with each other.
31. Walk behind them and put your hands in their front pockets, trip over
them and bring them tumbling down with you.
32. Put love notes in their pockets when they don't know it, write them with
33. Buy an inexpensive ring, place it on their finger, and say "Muhahahaha,
uh, I mean, spiffy, huh?"
34. Sing Britney Spears to each other while grocery shopping.
35. Read picture books to each other.
37. Take advantage of any time alone together for pillow fights or shoe wars.
38. Draw on public benches and picnic tables together.
39. Let them sit on your lap, have a freak seizure.
40. Lips were made for sound, and sound was made for communication, and
communication was made for arguments, and arguments were made for make up
sex. Deductive reasoning says thank you for lips.
41. Kiss their stomach while speaking Spanish.
42. Hold them around their hips/side, see how far you can throw them.
43. Hold her hand, and then let go and scream "ew, slimy!"
44. Unless you can hear their heart beating, you aren't close enough. If
you are close enough and you'll still can't hear a heartbeat, run away.
45. Dance together to Christmas music in June.
46. Cherish the picture you see when she falls asleep in your arms, make
sure to take the wheel before you collide with on-coming traffic.
47. Push them into the mud.
48. Do cute things like write "smells like skittles" with suntan lotion when
they ask you to do their back.
49. Make excuses to page them often at Wal-Mart, ask them if that nasty rash
has cleared up yet.
50. Find time to humiliate them even when you are really busy.
51. Call them from your vacation spot and tell them the piranhas made you
think of them.
52. Remember your dreams, and share them with each other, except for that
one with the banana, you should probably keep that to yourself.
53. Ride your bike a healthy distance to see them if even just for a few
hours, even if you have a moped.
54. After you've ridden/driven home, call them, ask if they've seen your
55. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears, no, actually don't.
Make some up.
56. Convince their parents you are deaf.
57. Act out a mutual non-sexual fantasy together, but try not to get carried
away. Super glue is pretty amazing, but it can't work miracles.
58. Brush her hair out of her face for her, or just shave it off to avoid
the problem entirely.
59. Spend a few minutes to point out all the ways they are wrong.
60. Talk to your shoes when you go places with him/her and their friends.
61. Practice voodoo together even if you don't believe it.
62. Take her to see a movie and remember all the parts that made her jump.
63. Cuddle together under a full moon on a clear night, remember the silver
64. Learn from each other and never get arrested for the same thing twice.
65. Everyone deserves a second chance, well most people I suppose.
66. Describe the joy that you genuinely feel just to know that there is
another person on this planet who thinks like you do.
67. Make obvious sacrifices for each other, bring a tarp though because it's
68. Smell like skittles together, just don't be together.
70. Write a glorified story about how you met and fell in love with them,
start out with "One day when I broke the ice cream machine at Old Country
Buffet..." and give it to them.
71. Let there never be a second during the day you aren't plotting against
them, and make sure they know it.
72. Pray to the tiki gods about them every night before going to bed.
73. Realize that you too probably smell like skittles before you accuse anyone
else of it.
74. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages (ie strawberry sunday,
popsicle, sugar cookie...) hey, you never know when it could come in handy.
75. Dedicate songs on the radio to them if you can, try to find something
with "bitch" or "I hate you" in the lyrics, just because it's hard to find
songs about smelling like skittles.
76. Fall asleep on the phone with each other (intentionally), talk about
what annoys you most about your partner "in your sleep"
77. Stand up for them if someone talks trash, whether or not they are
present, after all only you have the right to insult them.
78. Never forget the kiss goodnight, and always remember to say "guy/girl
germs no returns" and skip away.
79. Always try to tell them everything that bothers you about them, and mean
80. Draw cute little pictures and symbols on the letters you give them like
81. Give her something of personal value, give him a swift kick in the
ass... cheap bastard.
82. Never do anything with other members of the opposite sex that you
wouldn't do with them there with you, unless that person happens to be
83. Find a particular tree in the park to call your own, carve an evil face
into the bark together.
84. Make sure to put their wishes before your own, unless they want
something stupid, then make sure to point that out.
85. Always remember the anniversary and plan something special for the
occasion; like blowing up the restaurant where you had you first date.
86. Board games on rainy days. Change the rules every five minutes.
87. Always say "good thing you closed your eyes" when she sneezes.
88. Share with your friends how much more nooky you are getting than them.
89. Start to open your heart to them and as soon as it gets interesting, say
"nevermind." Rinse and repeat.
90. Always say bad, truthful things about other people to them to cheer them
up when they need it.
91. Make fun of each other's exes.
92. Pick your nose. Pick up some chicks. Pick a card, any card (with or
93. Be true to yourself- be true to each other, just kidding.
94. Spend time thinking of creative dates, did I say thinking? Aw, forget
95. Burn down a bath and body works to see if it smells cool.
96. To settle an argument is to kill a conversation that includes
adrenaline, now why would you want to do that?
97. If you should say anything to make them jealous or mad, remind them, "It
is better to be pissed off than to be pissed on."
98. Don't forget not to tell her parents anything because you're mute,
99. Find a particular star in the night sky to call your own. When you know
you can't be together, set a time for both of you to look at the same star
and think of each other. Than again, just look at the moon, that star thing
is way too complicated.
100. Being in a constant state of obliviousness isn't that bad.
101. Never wait for them to say "you smell like skittles" first, and always
say it in return with meaning.
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