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Sex Jokes 2 Skip to: Sex Jokes | Sex Jokes 3 Heard a good dirty, raunchy, lewd, or totally inappropriate joke you want to submit? Check our Jokes & Stories board! Shakie Shakie! An elderly woman moves into a nursing home. Her daughter helps her unpack and get settled in. After a few days, the woman notices a male resident who sits out on the porch every day, all by himself. She decides to go over and talk to him. She asks if she can sit with him awhile. He looks at her for a second and says, "Yeah, you can, but only if you'll hold my dick." At first she's horrified and outraged. But then she thinks, "He's lonely, I'm lonely..." Finally, she agrees. She gets a blanket to put over their laps and she sits next to him every day, holding his dick. After a few weeks, her daughter comes to take her mother for a weekend visit. When the woman returns to the nursing home, the first thing she sees is the man on the porch next to another elderly woman. They have a blanket across their laps. The first woman knows what the second woman is doing. She storms up the steps and starts yelling at the man. "What does SHE have that I don't have?!" she screams. The man just smiles and says, "Parkinson's." Math can be fun! Do you like mathematics? If you do, then stand up, subtract your clothing, add a bed, divide your legs and let's multiply! Oral Sex Disaster A man's wife is in coma in the hospital, and one day the doctor walks in and changes her IV bag. While doing so, he accidentally grazes her breast and she moans. Happily, the doctor runs to the husband and tells him what had happened and tells him to perform oral sex on her because it might liven her up a bit. The husband runs in and quickly starts performing oral sex on her, but he comes back out 3 minutes later, very sad looking. "Well... what happened," the doctor asks. "She's dead," the husband starts crying. "Why?" the doctor says. "She choked." Making a Cake A boy and his dad go to the beach and there is a couple making out, so the boy asks his father what they are doing. His dad replies, "They're making a cake." The boy says, "Oh." The next day they go to the zoo and there are two monkeys getting it on and a the boy asks his dad, "What are they doing?" His dad replies, "They're baking a cake." So they go home and the next day, the boy says to his dad, I know what you and mom were doing last night, you were baking a cake." The father asks the boy, "How do you know?" The boy replies with a big grin, "Because I licked the frosting off the sheets this morning." Double Whammy A man is looking for a Christmas gift for his wife, and after walking through the mall for hours he gives up and goes to the bar. He sees a friend of his sitting at the bar. He goes over to him and says, " I will buy you a drink if you can give me some ideas about what to buy my wife for Christmas." His friend replies, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator." He looks at his friend all confused and asks why. His friend explains that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself. Shame Two guys and a girl are stranded on a deserted island. After a week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing, she kills herself. After another week, the two guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her. After another week they are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her back up. Gangrene Harry goes to he doctor's and sits in a queue between to other guys. They start talking and one admits to having a red ring round the top of his penis. Harry then admits that he too has a line round the top of his penis, but its green The third guy admits that this ring he has is orange. The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring leaving Harry and the other sufferer nervously awaiting their fate. There's no noise and after about 15 minutes the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face. "Nothing to it, " he said. The doctor re-appeared and called the guy with the orange ring into the consulting room. "So what happened," inquired Harry. "Piece of cake" the other guy replies. "The Doctor examined the problem, coated on some cream and after ten minutes told me to wash it all off. And that was it! The ring had gone!" The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the similar treatment just as the Doctor calls for Harry. Harry wanders in, full of confidence, drops his trousers and asks where the cream is kept. The Doctor looks at Harry over the top of his glasses, picks up a wooden spatula, and proceeds to examine Harry's appendage with great concern. "I've got some bad news for you Harry," the Doctor pronounces, "we will have to amputate your penis as soon as possible!" Harry sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. "Can't you just give me the cream like you did for the other two guys. They've recovered OK." "Well Harry," says the doc,"there's all the difference in the world between removing lipstick and dealing with gangrene!" Too far in A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road." She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late- he's too far in!" Stood up A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes." The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up." Turner Brown A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. This big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice, the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 lb. left testicle, 2 lb. right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said Turn Around!" Foot and a half An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to remain virgins until they're married and then sleep at the girl's mother's house on their wedding night. After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't want to go up there." Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll treat you well." When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt. She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!" Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will treat you well." When she got upstairs, he took off his pants. She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!" Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well." When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his foot was missing. She ran downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!" Her mom said, "Stay here! This is job for Mamma!" Heard a good dirty, raunchy, lewd, or totally inappropriate joke you want to submit? Check our Jokes & Stories board! Skip to: Sex Jokes | Sex Jokes 3 |
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