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Sex Jokes Page 1
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Heard a good dirty joke you want to submit? Send it in!

Most recent additions are at the top.

Morning after

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover." The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

My dog named "sex"

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex." He is a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then, I said "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny - I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

Revolutionary inventors

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Native temptations

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."

Drilling rights

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!

Psychology Major

A guys goes in a bar and orders for a beer. After a while this really gorgeous woman walks in and sits beside him. He starts thinking about talking her into bed with him and kindly turns to her, " Hi. Would you like me to buy you a drink?"

The woman turns to him and screams to the top of her lungs: "WHAT? YOU WANT TO FUCK ME? NO WAY!"

Every discussion in the bar suddenly stops and all the people are staring at the guy as the woman was leaving. The guy gets really embarrassed and stands still on his stool as if nothing had happened. After a while the same woman walks in, approaches him and tells him, "I'm sorry about that little incident but you see I'm a psychology graduate and I wanted to see how people react to embarrassing situations."

The guy then yells: "WHAT? TWO HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A BLOWJOB?"

3 newlywed wives

Three recently married couples spend their honeymoon's first night in the same hotel. The next morning the three woman meet in the hall and decide to have breakfast together and to gossip about their wedding night, although one of them claims she won't be eating anything. The first starts enthusiastic, "Last night my husband put his whole hand inside me!" The second bride, not surprised at all, proudly takes her turn at once, "Mhuh... my husband put his whole arm inside me!" Then, both women look at the third one who, although moving very clumsily, stares at them with ambiguous satisfaction in her whole body, looks down on her hip and cries out to it, "Hey John, come out and say hello to Sarah and Pam!"

Crack

Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer? A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again!

Little boy's frog

There was a 12 year old boy named David. He had heard about this house where you could go and have sex with any woman. There was one woman who had herpes. But, she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. Most of the town has herpes because they had fucked her.

Well, one day the little boy was dragging a dead frog on a string up to the door of the house. When a woman answered he said that he would like to have sex with the one lady that has herpes. Looking astonished the woman agrees.

An hour and half later the boy is ready to leave. He is still carrying his frog. The woman, curious, asks the little boy why he is carrying the dead frog.

The little boy responded and said, "Well if you must know, when my mom and dad go out tonight they're going to leave me at home with the babysitter, who is very fond of little boys. When my mom and dad get home, dad will drive the babysitter home and he'll have a quickie with her, then he'll come back home and screw my mom, then in the morning when my dad goes to work, my mom will take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman. And that is the mother fucking bastard who ran over my fucking frog!"

Heard a good dirty joke you want to submit? Send it in!

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