| ||
  |
Sex Jokes Page 3 Skip to: Sex Jokes Page 1 | Sex Jokes Page 2 Heard a good dirty joke you want to submit? Send it in! Expensive peep show A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" Smartass A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!" Sweet revenge One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra." The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him. The next week the two are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle." The wife is now pissed and is plotting her revenge. One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother." The Cannibals One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured by cannibals. They begged for their lives, and the king cannibal said, "Ok I'll give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one now and the second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind." So they set off to get their fruits. The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples. The king says, "Ok now you have to shove them up your ass without flinching or anything." So he shoves the first one up the guy's ass but on the second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial. He has berries, so he shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!" and the second guy says, I was fine until I saw the third guy coming with all those watermelons!" Herpes A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, you're getting herpes. That's why I am here." Hypothetical and Realistic One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." The father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for 1 million dollars." The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says, "Ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." He does and sure enough she says yes. The father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores." Magic pills One day a lady goes to her doctor and asks her how to get her husband to sleep with her more. The doctor leaves the room then returns with a little bottle and says, "Put one pill into his coffee everyday, the results are instant." The lady goes home and puts one into his coffee right away, and that night she got a little feel from her husband but nothing more. Disappointed, the next day she dumped in the whole bottle. Six months later the phone rings And the doctor asks, "Did they work"? The son replied, "My moms dead, my sister is pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad... Well Dad's on the roof chasing the cat with a bottle of Vaseline." Two fleas Two fleas are talking about winter migration and one's freezing its ass of. FLEA1: "I spent the whole trip in a biker's beard." FLEA2: "That's not the way you do it, what you do is get on a plane and climb up a stuartess's skirt and sleep in her pussy, that's what I always do." The next year the fleas talk again. The first flea is still freezing his ass off. FLEA2: "What the fuck is wrong with you, didn't you do what I told you?" FLEA1: "Yeah, you stupid pansy, I climbed up a stuartess's skirt and slept in her pussy and I woke up in a biker's beard!" Banana bread INGREDIENTS: 2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms 2 well shaped legs 2 warm milk containers 1 fur lined mixing bowl 1 large banana METHOD: 1. look into laughing eyes 2. spread well shaped legs 3. squeeze and message milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased 4. add banana and gently work in and out until creamed 5. cover with nuts and sigh with relief NOTES: Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash utensils and don't lick the bowl. ATTENTION: IF BREAD STARTS TO RISE... LEAVE TOWN! Ethel Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "I put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!" "Is that right?" said Ethel. "Well, then, I'm going to try that tonight!" That evening, while Ethel's husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed, she takes off all her clothes. And although it's a struggle, she manages to get one leg up and behind her head. With some effort, she finally gets the other leg behind her head as well. No sooner has she accomplished this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells "For God's sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!" Three dicks There were 3 dicks standing on the corner. They were talking about how hard there lives are. The first dick said, "I have it the worst, my master plays with me all night." The second dick said, "No, I have it much worse than you, my master strokes me all night." The third dick says, "That's nothing, my master puts a plastic bag over my head, shoves me in a dark tunnel, and makes me do push ups until I puke." Creative gestures A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight." The husband said, "No, not at all." Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?" The husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book." Hong Kong Dong On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his Penis. He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away." Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necesally." Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own." Milk and cookies There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out, for a price. The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate. The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast. Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade. One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?" The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?" Medium The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium." Backwards lives The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, and spend your last nine months floating... then finish off as an orgasm. -George Carlin The bell system A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse... he said that they would have sex on the bell system. He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around. The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes. He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed. He hollered "Three Bells" and they started fooling around like crazy. A few minutes later, SHE yells "Four Bells." "Four Bells?" the fire chief asks, "What is four bells?" "Let out more hose, Your nowhere near the fire!" Little Susie's Period One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening. Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!" Explosive penis During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something so at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?" The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator then told him the story. The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours. The torpedo missed!" Old folk oral sex A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, How often I should have it?" His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and will maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You' too." Heard a good dirty joke you want to submit? Send it in! Skip to: Sex Jokes Page 1 | Sex Jokes Page 2 |
|
| ||
|
